I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
