So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
