Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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