I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
