Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
