She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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