I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Randomize
