my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I won the penis lottery.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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