I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
