I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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