What did I eat last night that was bloody?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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