woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am midnight drunk by noon
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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