I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
this hospital has no fireball
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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