Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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