Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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