I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
