Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
