god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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