sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
