When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
