i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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