ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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