Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You've changed since you got that strap on
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
