Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
