if i can run in heels then i can drive
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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