my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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