Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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