if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
