I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
