I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
