I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize