My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
