it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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