i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
