my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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