somebody snuck up and got me drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
