we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
