While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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