happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
