3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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