I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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