I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
