No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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