you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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