Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
