epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
