Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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