who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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