apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
