I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
