this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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