I will die if light touches me.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize
