he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
