note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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