First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
