two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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