What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
