OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
