even my farts smell like vagina
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
